As you can see, things have been slow around here recently. The reasons? First, my parents own the worst wireless known to mankind. Mom and Dad, I love you, but buy a new router. Second, and more important, I've been having some computer issues. What kind of issues, you might ask? Let's just put it like this...

That mess of parts was my laptop several hours ago. Yes, that is a steak knife next to it. Don't judge.

Anyway, long story short, we're back up and running. Now if we could just put the Tigers' offense back together...

To be brutally honest, there's no good reason why I'm posting this other than the fact that it's hysterical. NESN announcers Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy have a history of getting silly in the booth (to the point where "general silliness" in a certain drinking game would mean instant death), and this video is their crown jewel.

For me, the clincher in this video isn't the fact that a slice of pizza is thrown (but regardless, A SLICE OF PIZZA IS THROWN). It's the fact that Jerry Remy can segue into the analysis of said pizza toss so seamlessly and professionally after what I'm assuming is a commercial break. From there, all hell breaks loose, making this one of the best announcing videos you'll see on the internet.

Let's pretend for a minute that the owners of our beloved Detroit sports franchises didn't already look at tonight's Mega Millions jackpot like a single paycheck. If Mike Ilitch, William Ford (the young one, not that old moron), or Tom Gores won the $640 million up for grabs, what should they buy for their respective teams?

Tigers - Mike Ilitch

What do you get for the team that already has everything? For one, Mr. I could pay off the rest of Prince Fielder's contract (or maybe like a year of it). Another useful pick-up could be a real second baseman. Soon-to-be-free-agent Brandon Phillips of the Cincinnati Reds comes to mind (though, don't rule that out next offseason anyway). Extending Justin Verlander and Miguel Cabrera should happen immediately (lottery or not, get it done Mr. I). And, as many would suggest, paying Brandon Inge another couple million dollars to just go away would also be a smart business decision.

Lions - the Ford family

Continuing the jokes about historically massive contracts, Calvin Johnson recently scored himself a payday. Another use could be getting a real left tackle (though they're dropping like flies at the moment) and treating Jeff Backus' new contract as hush money. Matthew Stafford might even chip a few bucks towards this cause. The Lions should also pay some German scientist to develop a bubble for the running backs (Jahvid Best specifically) that will keep them healthy for an entire season.

Michigan Wolverines and Michigan State Spartans

[This section removed by the NCAA to continue to argue that their cash cows are still called "student athletes." Because yeah, we believe that.]

Red Wings - Mike Ilitch

How many ways can I say "a machine that allows us to clone and/or preserve Nick Lidstrom to keep him around for 20 more seasons?" Oh, Zach Parise and Ryan Suter/Shea Weber would be nice too.

Pistons - Tom Gores

I'm not sure if $640 million is enough for this overhaul. Setting Joe Dumars up with a nice house in the Cayman Islands would be a good start. Next, buying out the contracts of Tayshaun Prince, Ben Gordon, and Charlie Villanueva needs to happen (seriously, why hasn't Villanueva amnestied by now?). Finally, going nuts on the free agent market will at least land us a Finals berth. Of course, it doesn't guarantee a ring, does it LeBron?

Got any other ideas? Leave them in the comments.

Don't say that I didn't warn you (not that you had a chance to defend yourself or anything).

 

Apparently this is part of Barkley's next Weight Watchers commercial, but still. Chuck, stick with your CDW commercials and "basekball court." The short sleeve button down shirt makes you look like an extra from Office Space, but at least you won't be mistaken for Oprah's stunt double anytime soon.

[Deadspin]

Michigan State basketball fans are understandably down today after last night's loss to Louisville. Michigan fans have had a week to get over their team's loss to Ohio, but the potential of losing PG Trey Burke to the NBA is much more frightening than an early NCAA exit.

The Lions re-signed middle linebacker Stephen Tulloch to a 5-year extension earlier this week. While terms of the contract haven't been released, I can't imagine that the Lions overpaid based on the other moves they have made so far this offseason. And in case you weren't a fan of the Jeff Backus deal, it's only about half as expensive as we first thought.

If that isn't enough Lions excitement for you, they hosted former Oregon RB LaMichael James for a pre-draft visit this week as well.

Pavel Datsyuk: the Russian Don Draper? OK, so maybe he didn't exactly say that, but Datsyuk says that being an ad man wouldn't be out of the question in this interview with Puck Daddy. [h/t Winging It In Motown]

After signing former Lion Drew Stanton and then trading for Tim Tebow, it appears that the Jets will try to move Stanton in order to appease the former Spartan. #FreeStanton indeed.

Longtime Atlanta Braves 3B Chipper Jones has announced that he will retire after next season. Jones, one of my favorite non-Tiger players ever, is the reason that I tried switch hitting for a season when I was 12. Never mind the fact that I was like a .200 hitter from the right side to start with.

Are you getting married soon? First off, it sucks to be you congratulations. Next, read this guide to the perfect bachelor party. Third, don't fuck up.

The University of Michigan campus went nuts yesterday over a cougar possibly roaming around (and knowing North Campus, I believe it), so naturally, someone made a Twitter for the hungry feline.

A few last-minute things: Jeremy Shockey ain't snitchin'. Yup, more Kate Upton. More proof that another American Pie movie is a bad idea. Only NPH looks better than he did in '99 and he's not even in the movie. Shaka Smart turns down Illinois and will stay at VCU.

As expected, the Michigan State Spartans are in the Sweet 16 after beating St. Louis yesterday. They will match up against Louisville in the next round, and will already be at a severe video bombing disadvantage. Michigan bowed out of the NCAA tournament early with a (slightly less now that they beat USF) embarassing loss to Ohio in the first round.

While signing Calvin Johnson to a contract extension was huge, the Lions restructured a few contracts to create more cap space. They then wasted used that cap space to re-sign OT Jeff Backus. Yay.

I think the word "panic" is overkill to describe the Red Wings' current situation, but I'm drawing a blank on something more appropriate. The four game losing streak isn't as worrisome as the ever expanding injury list or the division slipping away. At least Pavel Datsyuk played on Saturday.

One of my favorite things about March Madness is all of the other random tournaments that people think of, such as Rogo's Greatest Tiger of All-Time tournament. Spoiler: Hank Greenberg got hosed.

Michigan extended its NCAA Hockey Tournament streak to 22 years by earning a #1 seed in this year's bracket. In all, four teams from Michigan (including Michigan State) are in the tourney. If we're lucky, we'll see a Michigan-MSU Final Four matchup in the hockey hotbed of Tampa, Florida.

Things that are not surprising: Pau Gasol is a terrible singer.

With all of the other craziness in sports this week, the gazillion deals that took place before the NBA trade deadline flew under the radar. The Pistons didn't get in on the fun, but at least Lawrence Frank isn't bummed out.

The Portland Trail Blazers now have a 34-year old head coach and he looks like a total dweeb.

Finally, do the right thing and start your Monday off with a real donut, not a bagel.

If you haven't heard that both Michigan and Michigan State are in the NCAA tournament, then you've been living under a rock for the last two months. They have been locks all season. However, you might have missed that Detroit is the 15th seed in the Midwest region and will play Kansas in the first round. Also, I can't believe I forgot to post this video last night.

Going into this offseason, we knew that the Lions were going to have some salary cap issues. That being said, the Lions need to cut between $4.5 and 11.5 million in cap space by Tuesday afternoon. I'm cautiously optimistic as to whether they can do it without losing anyone of importance.

On a lighter note for the Lions, Jahvid Best has reportedly been cleared to start working out after a concussion ended his 2011 season.

There have been plenty of comparisons between this year's Tigers roster and the 2008 version, but like Rogo, I think that there is a world of difference between the two teams.

If pitching four shutout innings on Saturday is "horrible," then I'll take plenty of "horrible" from Justin Verlander this season. Maybe the bullpen could use a little more of his definition of "horrible" too, as they were actually horrible.

With the Pistons looking more like a playoff team than a lottery team recently, their upcoming 5-game road trip will tell us more about their chances of getting swept by Miami in April.

Today's edition of "random white dudes looking awkward while playing basketball" features Danilo Galinari of the Denver Nuggets.

It's officially that time of year: our friends at Thunder Treats are back at it with the 4th edition of their Cougar Madness tournament. The top seeds have been announced and, as usual, I don't see upsets coming too easily. And if the over-40 crowd isn't quite your type, you could always check out Candice Swanepoel in a bikini.

If the rest of these links haven't started your Monday off right, then this will: The Triple Deke is back! Well, sort of. They post stuff every once in a while, but when it's stuff as good as this, no one is complaining.

It's officially official now: the Tigers' lineup announcement for today's scrimmage against Florida Southern mean baseball is truly back. The only question that this game will answer? Whether Prince Fielder can hit another 600 foot home run.

Chaos, commence: Michigan beat Illinois 72-61 last night, putting them in position to claim a share of the Big Ten title if (a) they beat Penn State, and (b) Ohio State can beat Michigan State on Sunday. Michigan State's loss at Indiana on Tuesday kept both Michigan and Ohio State alive in the Big Ten race.

Panic, commence: Nick Lidstrom is going to miss at least the next two games with a bone bruise after taking a shot to the foot during practice last weekend. Despite missing both him and Pavel Datsyuk (who is still recovering from knee surgery), the Red Wings beat Columbus 5-2 on Tuesday.

Friend of the blog Doc Worn at Walkoff Woodward has been hard at work (along with the geniuses at Alternative Hero) putting together "Si or No?" t-shirts after reading Buster Olney's blog (sadly, you gotta pay for that one) last week.

Other friends of D4L: Our man Grey at Fire Gerald Laird tells you why your favorite baseball team sucks... along with the other 29. Meanwhile, Rogo takes another national writer behind the proverbial woodshed. Finally, Rob Discher posted a picture of Kate Upton at The Production Line. (possibly along with some words afterward. We're not sure.)

Denver Nuggets forward Kenneth Faried proves that it's not a good idea to get a judy choppin' and a kung fu kickin' at the same time. [h/t The Basketball Jones]

Remember the movie Little Giants? Of course you do, it was an integral part of your childhood. While nobody knows what happened to Rick Moranis since then, we can safely say that The Icebox has become a total smokeshow. [h/t @ThunderTreats]

I have zero interest in college baseball or the University of Mississippi, but this sounds like possibly the greatest sporting event I've never been to.

The sad, sad answer to this question is... yes. Yes he did.

While this is no doubt the happiest day of Rovell's life since Twitter pushed out its latest interface (not to mention breaking one of his 100 Twitter rules), I... yeah.

Mazel tov and all, Mr. Rovell. Now put the iPhone down.

The Red Wings' 23-game home winning streak was snapped in a 4-3 shootout loss to Vancouver last night. Like any Wings defeat, The Production Line hooks us up with some loss candy to ease the pain.

This was so embarassing it deserves its own paragraph. After last night's loss, Red Wings fans were in tears because, you know, we're all about the regular season here in Detroit (/rant).

Just because you're as bad as Austin Daye has been this season doesn't mean you can't win an award or two. It starts to make sense when you consider how bad the Pistons' trade assets are.

Jacob Turner, the only real uber prospect currently in the Tigers' farm system, is hoping to add a slider to his repertoire this spring. Lots of fans are also hoping to see him add a pickoff move sometime soon.

If you like basketball shoes, then check out Complex Magazine's rankings of the 25 best shoes in Michigan basketball history. If you don't like basketball shoes, then click it anyway and keep reading.

National League MVP Ryan Braun's 50-game suspension was overturned yesterday, raising some serious questions about the MLB's drug testing policies. However, you're probably more upset that the guy picking right before you in your fantasy draft just took Braun in the 3rd round. Is that just me? OK then...

Speaking of urine in places that it shouldn't be, next year's Super Bowl will be in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. This can only end badly. [h/t Sports Grid]

This NSYNC throwback sung by the Minnesota Timberwolves isn't exactly the legendary Pistons' Jingle Bells video, but it'll do for now.

What I learned today: they make brunettes in Finland.