The Most Heinous Facial Hair in Sports

Now that my second year of law school has started up again, I have to start acting like somewhat of a professional again.  Basically that calls for me to shave my shit ‘stache every morning and the Scott Tenorman pubes that grow sparsely throughout the rest of my face every few days.  It’s weird, I’m in my mid-20’s and I only need to shave about as much as the kids in the Little League World Series, which is in full swing by the way. I’m not complaining, though.

Anyway, I didn’t shave yesterday.  Not really a big deal, but when I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, I nearly mistook myself for my apartment’s landscapers.  I immediately reached for my electric razor and made myself look presentable again.  Mid-shave I thought about how some people either think it’s hilarious to have terrible facial hair or just don’t care.  I’m fine with someone who is comfortable enough with themselves to generate a laugh or just don’t care what other people think, but just know that you are opening yourself up to ridicule.

With that being said, after the jump are some of the most heinous facial hair(s) I’ve seen in recent memory:

Bobby Jenks with his “Golden Goatee.”  A golden goatee is basically a dark haired goatee that has been pissed on.  It’s disgusting.  I will admit, the dye job detracts attention from its nauseating length.


The Skinner goatee is almost as atrocious as the Skinner basketball player.


This, from Drew Gooden, is disturbing on so many different levels.


Thumbs up on the save (maybe), but thumbs down on the chin hair.  Unless, of course, it’s nesting the team mascot. Then it’s cool.  Have you seen that Family Guy episode where Peter grows his beard out and a bird lives in it?  Yeah, me too.


Now that’s just being lazy.

sam baker

Another beard that is too thick for its own good (that’s what she said).  Maybe if he trimmed that puppy up he wouldn’t have been taken down so easily by a 20-year old rookie.


Sadly, Scott Spiezio’s red carpet-styled chin hair makes Bobby Jenks’ blonde batch look like Fernando Vina’s perfectly trimmed goatee.  I am NOT wondering if the carpet matches the pubes.


At least Scot Pollard has the decency to put his scraggly chin hairs into separate pony tails (aka chin tails).  Honestly, his goatee looks like an upside down asian baby.


As I alluded to earlier, pubes purchased from Scott Tenorman and pasted on the face is not a good look — not even if it’s the playoff tradition or you just won a Stanely Cup.


Not only did he allegedly beat his wife, but Brett Myers also strategically trimmed his goatee to look like his soul patch got out of control.

brett myers

While the Pistons let Rip rot on the bench for a good portion of last season, he let his goatee get unacceptably long.


The Godfather of absurd facial hair in the past quarter-centurty in sports: Alexei Lalas.


Whatever happened to the classic Tom Selleck or detective ‘stache?

About Bob Biscigliano

Bob is a writer of s(p)orts