The Tigers lost their, like, millionth game by a deficit of one run (I think 999,999 of those have been 2-1 losses) and so, naturally, I've pretty much hit my boiling point with this offense. They are hopeless right now. This is completely uncharacteristic of me, too.  My friends often call me buoyant Bob or say to me, "Oh, Bob, you always seem to make sunshine out of shit."  I'm telling you, it's true.  In 2003, I bet a buddy of mine $5 that the Tigers would win 85 games.  They wound up losing 119 that year.  I was only... let's see....carry the two.... 42 games off.  I bet you can imagine how nerve racking it was for me when the Tigers were sitting at 77 losses, in June.

I'm so optimistic, I was predicting the Lions to make the playoffs this past season, until they were mathematically eliminated (which I think came in Week 9 when they dropped to 0-9).  I was the first person to say after the 0-16 season, "see you bitches next season in the 2009 Super Bowl. The Lions are winning it all."

Yeah I could be fit for a straight jacket, and, yeah, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, but I tend to think that I'm just a positive fan and I don't like to get down on my teams.  If there's one thing I hate, it's losing.  If there are two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer.  Why would anyone ever think about those things?

That changes a little bit tonight.

This Tigers offense has been so despicable, that I've decided to hit the bottle hard and go off on an uber-rant, UFC style, where I exercise the demons and make Detroit's offense feel like a bunch of school boy bitches.   Welp, here's a list of my thoughts....

It was Christmas in July at Comerica Park Thursday, and  I felt like Bad Santa after a bottle of gin, pissing myself, and a fat kid was asking me a million annoyingly stupid questions.

Speaking of Bad Santa, the Tigers hitters are often known for wishing in one hand, shitting in the other, and seeing what comes first.  I can give you a hint: it's not a base hit with runners in scoring position.

Speaking of wishing, the Tigers theme song should be "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jon Jovi. Climax? "We're half way there!"  Tigers lose, 2-1.

Tigers' hits are about as scarce as food in a 3rd world country. Low blow, but true.

The Tigers best power hitter this year (arguably) is one missing leg from being a double amputee.

I saw Chris Brown rattle off more hits on Rihanna in five minutes than this Tigers offense can muster up in a 9 inning game.

I would say the Tigers hitting is like that Ace Ventura quote, "a lot like my lower intestine: stinky and loaded with danger," but there's nothing dangerous about the Tigers lineup right now. Although I would agree, it's stinky.

The Tigers offense reminds me of the Lions...  three and out.

There hasn't been a quieter 18-game hit streak, you know the one Miguel Cabrera had--5 RBIs-- that ended Thursday, since I had one in backyard whiffle ball in 1996.

You taste like a burger, I don't like you anymore.

Justin Verlander and Edwin Jackson no longer want DHs for them when they pitch.

The Tigers scatter hits like Lebron James and his boys in high school.

Speaking of smoking weed, Mark Buehrle (and I just realized I've been spelling his name wrong all day) threw a perfect game today.  That would have been pretty cool, if it weren't for the White Sox.

I get more runs after a long night of drinking than the Tigers.

Tigers bats aren't Louisville brand, they're Freeze Pops.

Lloyd McClendon needs to stop telling his hitters "the less you do, the more you do."

There are 17 little angry faced bullets because the Tigers have scored 1 run or less 17 times this season.  They are 1-16 in those games.  Pathetic.

I hope every Tigers hitter looks at this post (which won't happen) and takes a good, long, hard look in the mirror.  Maybe Adam Everett and Josh Anderson will stop hitting like Scotty Smalls and more like men.  Maybe Magglio will go back on the Mario Lopez work out and start hitting with some consistent A.C. Slater power again.  Perhaps Curtis Granderson will say, "eff the Grand Kids," (atleast until the off-season).  I don't care how or what it takes, but I just want the Tigers hitting to resemble more of a team with the desire of scoring 800 runs in a season and less of a team desiring to look like the Bad News Bears (at the beginning of the movie of course).

Anyway, I'm going to go pass out and when I wake up at three minutes before the 1:05 PM game time, I hope to feel refreshed and back to my old self.

Comments (4)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

Name

Email

Website

Title

Comment

smaller | bigger

Subscribe via email (registered users only)

Add Comment