Richard Belding brought you the season preview in 2008 and it was a colossal failure. Last season, Mr. Baseball, Tom Selleck, was 1 1/2 games off on his season prediction, but dead on that the Tigers would get edged out in the Central. This year, with hopes to put the Tigers over that hump, we’re bringing in someone as awesome as Selleck, but someone with a little more swagger: Kenny fu**ing Powers. I’ll let him take it from here. (And, oh yeah, there will be some strong language so ear muff your young ones or shy away if you don’t like the kind of language you’d hear in ‘East Bound and Down’).
Before I get started with this shit, I just want to let you pricks know that I’m not a goddamn professional writer. I don’t know grammar that good because I’m a professional athlete. Yeah, I’m famous, loddy da, big fucking deal. The only reason I’m doing this shit is because Bob Bisciglihomo is paying me $17 and I’m better than everyone else in this world.
So you want a preview of the fucking Detroit Tigers? Well, I’m going to hit you with it straight. They wanted me to pitch the 12th inning of game 163, but I told those assholes, “no.” Instead, Fernando Rodney (who used to sell me weed) was hung out to dry and they lost. True story.
Then in December, that GM of theirs grew a large pair of balls and traded away the face of their franchise and number two starter, let his starting second basemen sign with the fucking Phillies, and let his two best relievers sign elsewhere, as well. You look at those moves on the surface, without any other shit, and you’d think this dude was trying to rebuild the 2003 team. Little do most people know is that they acquired quite a bit of talent in return – Austin Jackson, Johnny Damon, Max Scherzer, Phil Coke, Daniel Schlereth, Jose Valverde, and the organization’s own minor leaguer, Scott Sizemore. You feel that? That’s your pants getting a little snug because your cock just got hard. I’m just kidding.
Today, I’ll break down the projected Opening Day lineup (and rotation), give you some of my elite predictions, and then you’re fucking out. So let’s get the previewing on! (I just did a lot of X and who knows how long that high will last. I’m just kidding. This is a real job, not like teaching kids. I can’t get fucked up).
1. Austin Jackson, CF
You’d think most of the Detroit fans were from San Francisco with how butt hurt they were over losing Curtis Granderson, who couldn’t hit me if I threw with my left hand and I don’t throw with my left hand. This Austin Jackson kid can straight-up ball and his spring was just the beginning of him proving to you Granderson pussies that he’s going to be a star (.356 BA, .434 OBP, and 3 HR in 22 games). Temper expectations, because he’s not going to hit that well throughout his rookie season, but he’s going to make all the lusting ladies forget Curtis Granderson ever graced the 2nd floor of Woody’s in Royal Oak.
2. Johnny Damon, LF
You’ve probably compared him to the caveman from those Geico commercials. You also probably masturbated to his wife a bunch… Instantly, I regret saying that; that was a very horrible thing to say. Damon’s a great teammate because he doesn’t mind if you stare at his wife and, even better, he hits pretty fucking awesome, too. If you thought that big ass headed Placido Polanco was a steady number two hitter, well, Johnny Damon gets on base at a higher rate, so suck on that saberwhores.
3. Magglio Ordonez, RF
Similar to Johnny Damon, he made a rather large mistake when he cut his hair (although he couldn’t quite pull it off as well as I do, but that’s because nobody can). Luckily for him, he has his bat going for him. He entered spring training in tip-top shape and busting more balls than a damn titty bar. This guy had a million hits after his wife got over her illness last year, and I think he’s going to hit at least .310 and 20 home runs.
4. Miguel Cabrera, 1B
My kind of guy — gets piss drunk the morning of a game. The only difference between him and me is that I wouldn’t go 0-3. He has said he’s quit drinking altogether (pussy), but I suppose that will help him be a little bit more focused on hitting .400, 40 home runs, and driving in 160 runs. The media is going to eat this alcoholic-to-MVP story up like I don’t eat up box because it fucks up my perfectly groomed goatee.
5. Carlos Guillen, DH
I played with Guillen in Seattle and he once pulled his hamstring tying his shoes. He also broke his nose when I punched him in the face, but that’s because he called me washed up. Tigers’ fans might as well get used to seeing a name that’s not ‘Carlos Guillen’ in the lineup more times than not, because this dude’s as fragile as one of the car windows at Ashley Shaeffer’s car dealership when I throw a massive cinder block through it. And that’s nothing compared to the shit I’ve done before, and I’ve killed people. Likely replacements: Ryan Raburn, Don Kelly, Alex Avila, and Johnny Damon when he’s not playing OF.
6. Brandon Inge, 3B
I’ve never seen a dude get tattoos and lose street cred. Not to mention the fact that it didn’t help his knees from crumbling and his batting average from plummeting lower than the hitters unlucky enough to have to face my ass. He’s got pop and he makes some awesome plays in the field, but he’s probably not the guy you want hitting sixth in your lineup, whatever that fucking means. My guess is as good as anyone that might be as sweet as me (nobody), but I see a perennial .240 or lower hitter whose 20+ HRs (and promises to sick kids) serve as the only reason he’s a useful option in the Tigers’ lineup.
7. Gerald Laird, C
Oh, this is why Inge hits sixth. Laird comes off as a real tough guy, but his right fist has more punch than his bat. Luckily for the Tigers, he’s got a lot of fucking heart and nobody steals on him unless his pitcher screws him over by failing to hold runners on. He’ll hit better than the .225 he put up in 2009, but not by much. Try to steal on him and you’ll eat that leather tag before you ever think about touching that base. I wouldn’t mind throwing to this guy, although his ability to catch runners from stealing would be pretty useless because I don’t put runners on base. Alex Avila is the backup catcher.
8. Scott Sizemore, 2B
If you compare this kid to Placido Polanco, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed (see what I said about Damon serving that purpose in the lineup earlier). ESPN projects Sizemore to have kind of a big year for a rookie (.281, 16 HRs, 10 SB, and 79 RBI), and those numbers would be more than acceptable, but I don’t think that happens. Sizemore should be a fine number eight hitter, though — anybody who is sandwiched between Gerald Laird and Adam Everett in the lineup is going to look pretty fucking good.
9. Adam Everett, SS
Nicknamed the ‘Black Hole’ by me, this guy must use a size 15 inch, 50 ounce bat with the barrel the size of a fucking toothpick to hit. He was surprisingly not the worst in clutch situations last season (.265 with RISP and 2 outs), but he’s probably the last guy on the Tigers roster (including pitchers) that’d I’d want to see up to bat with the game on the line. Everett’s up and we need a base runner or hit? Pinch hit fucking Dontrelle (especially if Dontrelle is pitching, too).
1. Justin Verlander
He’s got the arm of a goddamn rocket — the best one I’ve seen since me. 200+ K’s and 15+ wins is as much of a foregone conclusion as it is this fucking piece wins a Pulitzer.
2. Rick Porcello
Seeing him boss-toss Kevin Youkilis like a bitch last season made me need a new pair of pants. I’m just kidding. I didn’t cum in my pants. This kid is really, Kenny Caldwell-good and he’s only, like, 14-years old, but he has the cock of a burmese python. If he pitches like he did in game 163 and is given a little more leash to extend deeper into games, he might get some Cy Young votes. If you think that’s fucking crazy, then just keep in mind that I predicted Zack Greinke to win the Cy Young last year in September — ballsy.
3. Max Scherzer
This guy is kind of a freak — he has different colored eyes and his mechanics will put Carlos Guillen on the 15-day DL — but he was a highly touted prospect in the D-Backs system and people think he’s an upgrade over Edwin Jackson before ever throwing a pitch in the Ol’ English D. I don’t know if it’s realistic to hope for what Jackson gave the Tigers during the first half of last season, but in the long run, he’ll be as steady as they come. One thing is certain: he has the best fucking name in the Tigers starting rotation. I wouldn’t be surprised if his parents changed his middle name to ‘Kenny Powers,’ if I didn’t have a patent on that shit.
4. Jeremy Bonderman
Coming back from some injuries, he’s looking to re-establish himself in the Tigers rotation. Let’s hope so, so he can get an extension, because we don’t want this guy having any kind of non-baseball job in our society — he’s as retarded as a piss-drunk Stevie Janowski. ESPN has him finishing with just under a five ERA with nine wins. Fuck.
5. Dontrelle Willis
A whole lot of pissing and whining was made when he was given the fifth spot in the rotation instead of Nate Robertson (who was traded to the Marlins for a six month supply of sunflower seeds). Willis is bad, but he purchased my book on tape, “You’re Fucking Out, I’m Fucking In,” and I think that’s going to do wonders for him regaining that swagger he had while he was in Miami. The other five people who bought it did really fucking awesome, I think.
So, that’s my preview of the 2010 Detroit Tigers’ starting lineup and rotation. Now, some of you may have skipped it altogether (big fucking mistake) to get to my grand prediction for how the Tigers will finish.
A lot of fans think the Tigers have this sour taste in their mouths from Game 163, like my girlfriend April did every Friday night back in high school, but when a true champion is face-to-face with his darkest hour, they’ll do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more, because surrender is death and death is for pussies.
Jim Leyland is one of the better managers in the Major Leagues because he knows the game of baseball isn’t always about who has the best OPS in the 9th inning with 2 outs, 2 runners on, at 10:15 PM on a Saturday night when there are five clouds in the sky. It takes a lot of guts and fucking balls, too. Further, if there’s one thing he hates in this life, it’s losing. If there’s two things he hates, it’s losing and getting lung cancer. One of those two things is probably going to happen and it’s not losing.
You heard it here first: the Detroit Tigers will win 88 regular season games and finish as your 2010 World Series Champions.
OK, I’m about to have a panic attack. I need four xanax and two Miller Lites. Peace and follow me on Twitter.