College kid teases charging the mound on Joel Zumaya

So the Tigers beat up on some college kids today and the most interesting story I can pull from the box score and random Tweets about the game is this one regarding Zumaya’s less than stellar inning of work (HBP, BB, and a hit):


Now, I can’t find highlights, and I didn’t hear much of anything else regarding this little faux-confrontation, so I can’t guarantee any accuracy to a depiction of the encounter, but I have one hell of an imagination.  This is how I imagine it went down:

Zumaya throws gas into the middle of some scrawny, Division-2 baseball player’s back.  I’ve never been hit by a 100 MPH fastball before (I take 85 MPH off the chest at the cage in preparation for next season’s hockey tryouts all the time, but never 100 MPH), so I can’t imagine how much it might have hurt.  However, I’m sure the kid winced a little, shat his pants, and realized he had to do something to seem really out of the ordinary tough for what just happened to his undies.  Naturally, that grand plan was to fake charge the mound.

Zumaya, I’m sure, was getting the ball back, saying a couple quick ‘thank yous’ to the big man upstairs for not hitting the poor kid in the head and killing him, and thinking about his next guitar hero session.  The last thing he probably expected was a 18-22 year old kid to charge the mound.   Well, when he saw the kid stutter-step toward him and act like the ump was holding him back, Zumaya probably almost immediately thought back to Porcello taking down Youkilis last season:  “little people have crazy strength and I don’t want to mess with that one bit.  I’m in a lose-lose situation here. If I fight back, I’m a bigger asshole than I already am for getting hurt all the time for having too much fun.  If I don’t do anything, he takes me down and I’m Kevin Youkilis for the next year of my lyfe.  Aw, hell no.”


Zumaya decided to wave like a flirtatious college girl, apologize, and go over to shake the kid’s hand.  Tonight, the kid’s back probably  makes him look like a camel, but he’s now got a game played against the Tigers, a handshake from Joel Zumaya, and some pride tucked comfortably under his belt with his erection.  Good for him.  Good for him…


There’s a picture of it!  Zoom’s afterthoughts:  “Did he really just give me the handshake/elbow touch? Who does he think he is? I’m glad I plunked him.”



About Bob Biscigliano

Bob is a writer of s(p)orts