Red Wings Return to the Finals; I'm Hoping to be Spared from Seeing Marc Andre Fleury's Enormous Chompers

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Red Wings Return to the Finals; I'm Hoping to be Spared from Seeing Marc Andre Fleury's Enormous Chompers

Written by John Mapplethorpe

Thursday, 28 May 2009 08:25

The Detroit Red Wings beat the Chicago Blackhawks last night 2-1 in overtime at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit to advance to the Stanley Cup Finals. Their opponent once again is the Pittsburgh Penguins, who advanced by sweeping the Carolina Hurricanes. The Penguins have a big one-two punch up front with Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin. However, they have a much BIGGER one-two punch in net: Marc Andre Fleury's central incisors.

Fleury is the Penguins' goalie, and aside from having a really annoying accent, he has some of the biggest teeth I have ever laid my eyes on. I mean, these things are enormous. They look like piano keys, or giant kitchen tiles. He could chop down trees with them. When he gets his teeth cleaned, his dentist actually charges him by the tooth. I heard a rumor that he once missed a game in juniors when he sneezed and bit a hole in his chest. Fleury's teeth make Dave Grohl's set look like chiclets in comparison. Check out these bad boys:

He looks a lot like Healy from "There's Something About Mary":

Or Jim Carrey's character from "The Mask":

I think Fleury's Mom actually had a love child with a horse. Seriously, he bears a striking resemblance to the Equus ferus caballus:

So I'm really hoping the Wings win the Cup, not only because they're our hometown team, but also because that scenario will minimize the number of interviews with Marc Andre Fleury, sparing yours truly months of nightmares featuring his unbelievable cud-cutters.

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written by Jamie Favreau, May 29, 2009

You are way too funny!

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written by John Mapplethorpe, May 29, 2009

Thanks for being a loyal Detroit4lyfer, Jamie. Go WIngs!

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written by Nicole S., June 03, 2009

Hi John!

As one who has a passion for horses, I love the photograph of the laughing horse! May I have your permission to use it?

Thank You!

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written by John Mapplethorpe, June 06, 2009

Hi Nicole,

Absolutely. I love horses too, but not in the creepy, bestiality-type way.

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