Chuck Norris is Giving Detroit Fans “Shocking” News!

 

Today is “Shocker Monday”, and Chuck Norris and I are going to give you a couple good old, rib-jarring shockers.

Shocker #1:  25 year old Red Wings forward Jiri Hudler was awarded $5.75 meeeleon dollars by an arbitrator, yet turned it down to head out to the good ol’ U.S.S.R. to play for a team there and make a cool $10 million instead, tax-free by the way.  Yet, there is clearly another motive for this surprising move, however, and I know what it is.  My sources tell me that Hudler’s girlfriend, Czech model Simona Krainova, (pictured above with Hudler), is a huge bitch.  There, I said it.  And I’m not talking about her height (she’s 5’9″)-  She’s bossy, demanding, and over-bearing.  She has told media members how much she expects the young forward to spend on her engagement ring (think starter home.)  She interrupts him in interviews and talks down to him.  I would move to Russia too if I were stuck with this miserable wench.  We don’t care how hot you are, honey, looks only go so far and men can only take so much of a lippy woman, no matter how luscious her breasticles are or how tight her dumper is.  So don’t be too hard on poor Jiri, he’s only trying to escape the claws of this aggressive cougar (did I mention she’s 36 and 11 years older than Jiri?-  come on buddy, you’re a millionaire athlete, you can do better than that.)

Shocker #2:  It should be announced soon that Detroit’s beloved Motor City Bowl, annually featuring the best of the MAC against the best 6-6 team George Perles can find, will change its name to the “Little Caesars Pizza Pizza Bowl.”  I’m not kidding.  The name is heinous, but I’m going to look at the glass as half-full, and consider that this will mean millions of dollars for Mike Illitch, which puts him one step closer to buying the Detroit Lions from the Fords.  A boy can dream, can’t he?

Finally, John Mapplethorpe wants you to know that the Detroit4lyfe team physician is now on Twitter, and you can follow him at http://twitter.com/cpackey and tweet with him about Detroit4lyfe, Detroit sports, medicine, Jessica and Tony’s break-up, whatever.  Now scram, before I give you another shocker..

Bob Biscigliano

About Bob Biscigliano

Bob is a writer of s(p)orts, fan of Detroit and an asshole with a great kitchen.

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