Rodney Stuckey (walking into Joe Dumars’ office): Hey Mr. Dumars, you wanted to see me?
Joe Dumars (eating a piece of fried chicken): Chauncey, my boy! Have a seat!
Stuckey: Err, it’s Rodney, sir.
Dumars: Yeah, whatever. Listen son, you had a hell of a series against the Lakers and we need to get you re-signed before this next season starts!
Stuckey: Umm, right. Well Mr. Dumars, that’s why I wanted to talk to you. You see…
Dumars (interrupting): You should have seen how pissed Kobe Bryant was after that series. HOO BOY, I need a snack! [grabs a tub of fried rice off his desk and starts eating it with his bare hands]
Stuckey: Uhh, sir, I believe you are mistaken. You see, I was still in college when…
Dumars: Don’t try and bullshit me, Chauncey! You know that we need you here next season so we can defend our title!
Stuckey: Err, right. Well anyway, Mr. Dumars sir, I believe that I should get paid $10 million next season.
Dumars (choking on a bite of mashed potatoes): $10 million dollars?! We can’t afford that! Someone has to pay for my snacks! [reaches for a bag of Doritos]
Stuckey: Well, sir, I had a pretty good season last year and…
Dumars: You know, I was hoping that that Red Wings guy would buy the team so I could get all the free pizza I wanted. You have NO IDEA how excited I was for that!
[grabs a 2 liter of Coke and starts chugging]
Stuckey (clearly disturbed now): Well, sir, I’m hoping that we can work out a long-term deal. I’m thinking something kinda like Tayshaun’s…
Dumars: OH MAN, and Tayshaun Prince! What an awesome playoff run that kid had! You know, I was hoping he’d do something like that when we drafted him and OH MAN CHAUNCEY DID YOU SEE THAT BLOCK! WOW!
Stuckey: Err, right sir. Anyway, even Jonas got a 4-year…
[door flies open]
Click after the jump to hear the rest…
[Jonas Jerebko walks in as a spotlight shines down on him and choir music starts playing]
Jonas Jerebko: Did someone say my name?
Stuckey: Yeah, sorry Jonas. We were just talking about my contract.
Jonas: Oh, I sorry. I just finished my 3-hour Svedish full-body workout designed specifically to keep you as bootiful as possible. I’m going to rescue several adorable kittens from an animal shelter before the Moose Man and I work out again later.
Stuckey: Umm, ok Jonas. See you later.
[Jonas leaves and the spotlight shuts off]
Dumars: Who the hell was that?
Stuckey: It’s not important, sir. Listen, I was hoping that we could work out…
Dumars: Work out?! I can’t work out anymore, these knees are shit nowadays. Listen here, how about we re-sign you to a 3-year deal so that I can trade you for some over-the-hill superstar towards the end of your contract? [squeezes an entire bottle of barbecue sauce into his mouth]
Stuckey (trying not to vomit): Umm, sure. Whatever you say, Mr. Dumars.
[scribbles his signature down on his new contract and runs out of the room]
Dumars (to himself): Haha, you still got it, you wiley old bastard.
[Meanwhile, at the Los Angeles Clippers’ practice facility…]
Chauncey Billups (on the phone): Wait, what? We traded for who?
[throws his phone down in disgust]
Billups: Man, fuck.