The NFL Quarterbacks' Emerging Problem

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The NFL Quarterbacks' Emerging Problem

Written by Chip Stevenson

Sunday, 26 April 2009 19:50

Ladies and gentlemen, we have an epidemic on our hands. It's incredibly serious, absolutely demoralizing, and, worst of all, highly contagious. Quarterbacks around the NFL are popping up left and right with this devastating affliction, and our only hope is that someone discovers a cure... soon.

What I'm obviously talking about is good old Joey Blue Skies' left hand up there. Does that look like the hand of a world class athlete? Does that look like the hand of someone who could take the NFL by storm and lead your organization to glory? Does that look like the hand of a gridiron warrior? Of course not. It looks undeveloped, unathletic, and womanly. When I look at that hand, the first word that pops into my head is "sissy," and it looks like he spent an hour right before this game getting pampered at a day spa and spending 30 bucks on a manicure. Just look at the expression on his face there- you can tell how embarrassed he is about his left hand.

This terrible disease is unnamed at this point, but allow me to make a suggestion: the Joey Hand. I was actually the biggest Joey Harrington supporter this side of the Mississippi, but it's time for me to come to my senses and realize that he fell short in the Man Categories that are so important in the NFL. It's been well documented that he would rather play the piano and drink wine than play air guitar to Led Zeppelin and drink beer. To each his own, right? I'm sure that he was not the first to be stricken with the Joey Hand and he certainly won't be the last, but he is definitely the face of the disease.

Here are some other NFL quarterbacks with the Joey Hand. It's my hope that by bringing attention to this relatively unknown affliction, some how, some way our great country's top minds will come up with a cure and eliminate it for good. Keep hope alive and never, ever give up. If you believe it, you can achieve it. Your attitude determines your altitude.

Eli Manning

Mark Sanchez

Matthew Stafford

Jay Cutler

Matt Ryan

Comments (8) Add Comment

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written by Taylor, April 27, 2009

Well done. The picture of Sanchez is the best. He'll fit right in in New York.

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written by curseofcleveland, April 27, 2009

Hilarious.

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written by lonnie jones, April 27, 2009

stafford is more retard-hand than joey hand. id like to see some pics of the great ones out there and see if theyve joeyhanded in their day

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written by Chip S. , April 27, 2009

Lonald,

Check out Johnny Unitas' perfect form here- http://i.cdn.turner.com/sivaul..._large.jpg

Also, look at Joe Montana. He looks completely normal, too. http://imagecache.allposters.c...osters.jpg

Finally, here's Brett Favre giving his best Unitas impression http://romanciloci.net/SportPr..._favre.jpg

Seems like a fairly recent phenomenon

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written by jambo, April 27, 2009

i bet if you look closely at pictures of tom brady his left hand is fingering somebody's girlfriend in the stands

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written by John Mapplethorpe, April 29, 2009

Chip, thank you for bringing awareness to this terrifying disease. I have a question, though. Apparently some quarterbacks are able to overcome the affliction and have success in the NFL. Eli Manning won a Super Bowl despite his struggles with Joey Hand. Matt Ryan had a remarkable rookie season with the Falcons and led them to the playoffs just a year removed from the Mike Vick debacle. Jay Cutler overcame Joey Hand AND insulin dependent diabetes mellitus to make the Pro Bowl in the AFC last year. What are your thoughts on this, Chip?

Jambo, several Patriots teammates have conducted "whiff tests" in the huddle during games on Brady's left index and middle fingers and confirmed your suspicion.

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